I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize