careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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