She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
