my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
