So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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