This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
