My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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