weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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