i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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