why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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