guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
