Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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