when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
