I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
