yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
