I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
