I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
