i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Less talking, more tequila
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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