I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
pray to the hookup gods
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
