there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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