someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I lost the right to judge tonight
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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