He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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