I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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