I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
