They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
