I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
