At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
