I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You pole danced in your parka.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
