If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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