someone owes me an orgasm
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
