im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
