you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
