sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
