I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
