i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
