So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
