turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize