Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
