The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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