Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
