Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
