just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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