Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
