I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize