yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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