My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
