I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Semen is not good for contacts.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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