I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
