I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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