By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
