my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
