he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
