I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
