I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sorry my hands just texted you
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
