i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
