when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize