In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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