What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
