This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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