we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We left an ass print on the piano.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
