After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
