I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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